Peace be with you...

I was standing in the shower the other day, resting my head on the wall. More like holding myself up really. I was hoping the shower would provide me something I don't feel much any more, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Calm, safety, quiet? It was Sunday and the prefunctory "peace be with you" round robin at my church popped into my head. As I stood in the shower, I wondered when was the last time I felt at peace, REALLY at peace. I couldn't remember. Not only that, I wasn't quite sure what it would feel like if I did. When was the last time I was completely emersed in what I was doing, happily in the moment, not thinking about masks, or online school, or safety, or money, or job security, or the fall of democracy, or the house no longer being a sanctuary at the end of the day but now a smaller and smaller sandbox the neighborhood cat keeps visiting. Exhaustion comes in waves even when I haven't moved all day. Especially when I haven't moved all day. With no end in sight it's hard to find peace and calm and comfort. But it just started raining. And Q's is playing in it. I think I'm gonna go let it wash off this stickiness I feel, I hope it sinks in.